AbigailSketch

Change of Heart, Change of Art

Hey everybody! I deeply apologize that I have not updated since January. Even in January, my updates were kind of sucky. So for this post, I think you might want to listen to this. This is a timeline of my development as a servant rather than the served and how that has affected my art.

Before you read, I want to let you know, I am not perfect in any way, shape, or form. I still struggle with this goal and probably will for the rest of my life.

I SWEAR THIS RELATES TO MY ART!!! Just keep reading

Most of my life, I was told to follow your dreams, look out for yourself, thats not selfish. So I did that. I went through high school with very little friends, and those friends I was very off putting to. I did not really share that many feelings or emotions with them, because I knew that once high school was over, I would bolt. I knew that I would take my art and leave Cincinnati Ohio.

I cared more about my art and my career path then I did my own friends and family. Because I was depressed and feeling so unsatisfied with how my life was going, I began to observe my thoughts and conversations for about a month as one of many analysis experiments or whatever the definition it. I watched as I was bombarded in questions about my career aspirations, my grades in school, and my portfolio. And I answered them with excitement. I began to realize that I had little to no emotional conversations with anyone.

Not only did I found out that looking out for just myself is selfish, its damaging and harmful to others and myself. Through my observations, I did not help a single person when I knew something was wrong regardless if they looked happy or not. I just decided to brush it off and give them a good laugh then that would be the end of it, not even asking or mentioning their struggle.

Through a series of revolutions and a lot of learning, I decided enough was enough, I was done with the conversations of school, career, and art as the highlight of outings. I began to learn how to ask questions about someone else's life. I began to learn how other people felt loved.

But wait, people asked me questions, doesn't that mean that I am denying their love?
I am not denying their love because it is not love. I actually felt recognized, not loved. Those are two very different things. I felt like I had a high status that I could prove, not an emotional connection to that questioner. Those questions might be exciting to talk about in the moment, but all it did was feed me into the lie that I could "look out for myself, take care of #1" and be joyful and whole in it.
So what is this love I am talking about? Well loving someone takes a whole lot more than just asking them "How was School?" "Hows college?" etc. Loving someone takes thinking about them, their needs and wants and desires. That involves developing good meaningful questions. It also means that when you love someone, you spend time with them regularly or attempt to hang out with them outside of the Family Christmas and Easter Parties.
But does that mean I have to brush off the non-personal question they ask me? No! Why? Because that is not showing love. That would be kinda rude. But instead of talking about myself, I would within that context, ask how they are and continue asking them questions and slowly getting personal, BOOM friendship. This might sound hard by working towards this goal, but please read on. It is not about works and being the best at this. It takes a realization.

How does this relate to my art?
Well making art is really hard to do in a context of a social environment? Because art takes concentration, focus, and a studio.

Well, that is not entirely true. In fact I have been finding out ways to make art a social and serving activity
.
1. I teach people art. In the midst of making my own, I can help someone learn how to be artsy while also hold a conversation with them. Yes, it can become small talk, but that is a start.
2. I have hosted art parties. This is a good way to get to know a classmate or a coworker. And to show them where you live and being a humble host.
3. I have taken my friends to the zoo, cafe, park, etc. with them knowing you might do some cafe sketching. In the past few months, most of my art has been cafe sketching. I do this so I get good at speed drawing and anatomy, but I can also hold awesome conversations with someone and be able to take a lot of drawing breathers to make goo convo.
4. I took took up Photography. OMG this has been the ultimate serving tool for an artist ever. Not only can you hang out with people, but because I am a millennial and live in a world full of them, taking photos is an incredible tool to get to know someone. Also, offering senior photoshoots or family photoshoots is an awesome way to meet people and get to know them.
5. Or MAKING ART FOR PEOPLE!!! When people know that I take time to make art for them, they feel so loved! I am not talking about a sketch or a little doodle, I am talking about paintings, photographic art, etc!
I will put examples of these at the bottom.

Overall, because I have been trying (and failing and succeeding) to approach art, and serving in a different way, I have developed skills and AMAZING FRIENDS through these. I have found ways to love people through being who I am. Of course, its not always comfortable. Some questions are easier to ask than others and relationships are a responsibility and messy sometimes.

I have found my life meaning something much more than just "all about looking out for myself." And all it took for myself is acknowledging that life doesn't revolve around me. I had to figure out that earth isn't a playground and not a place where I will ever find full fulfillment in physical/tangible things even if I was a disney animator, had a billion dollars, or owned a perfect home. I have found joy and fulfillment in my life through the things that I cannot buy or work for. I found love and grace and an eternal perspective (realizing that I am going to have immense joy one day that is not from earth.) The funny part is, it was always there, I was just too stubborn and full of myself to see it. And I get to introduce that same grace, love, fulfillment, and eternity to other people. And the best part, I get to do that through art.